A little more than a year after losing her 5-year-old son in a Carlsbad traffic collision, Elene Bratton said the grief is often overwhelming. But instead of yielding to the sadness, she wants to help other grieving parents by sharing her story.

"I'm grieving by finding ways to bring his spirit into the world and honor him," Bratton, 39, said of her son, Jamie Bratton-McNeeley.

Before the accident, Bratton said she felt she and her husband, Michael McNeeley, 38, were blessed. They decided to marry after Jamie was born, they had a home in San Diego and were living the American dream, she said.

That dream ended on April 25, 2002, when a motorist collided with the car driven by Jamie's aunt, Carlsbad resident Angela Nelson, which had gone out of control on La Costa Avenue. Jamie, who was a passenger in the car, still had a faint pulse at the scene but died that night at the hospital.

It is still difficult to accept that her son is gone, she said.

The traffic accident

Bratton, who was attending a class, was unaware of the accident until she called her husband about 8 p.m. and he told her he'd been trying to reach her. He said he had been at Children's Hospital for two hours but no one would tell him anything until they were together.

When Bratton arrived, she said doctors told them that Jamie was brain-dead and that they needed to decide whether to keep him on machines or turn them off.

When she walked into his room, she remembers feeling, "He's not there. His spirit's gone, I can't feel him."

Jamie's organs started shutting down on their own, making the decision for them.

"You're in such a daze you don't even know what's going on," Bratton said. "I felt sick to my stomach and the room was closing in on me. I felt like this can't be anything that's real. And now they're saying 'your son's gone and your sister's in a coma at another hospital.'" Nelson suffered a brain injury in the accident.

Still in shock

Bratton said neither she nor her husband slept that night. She said she remembers feeling like she was in a fog the next day, but needed to make decisions about the service.

They had Jamie's body cremated and some of his ashes were put into pendants that they wear. Bratton also had one made for her sister, who was still in a coma.

The days and weeks after Jamie's death, Bratton said, were agonizing for her family. Just weeks after the funeral, there were more painful reminders; Bratton's adult daughter, Danielle, went into labor with her grandson Raelle, Mother's Day and Jamie's 6th birthday on May 24.

"Not that you want to kill yourself, but you just basically want to die. There were days when I'd stay in bed for 36 hours. I was so devastated," she said.

Seeking help

Bratton, who works as a mental health clinician, said her employer helped by providing grief counseling right away.

Two weeks later, she and McNeeley went to a parent bereavement group that is part of the Jenna Druck Foundation, but they didn't stay long.

"We went back and now we go there once a week," Bratton said. "We just feel like something about going helps us get to the next week. When you go there and talk to other parents, they understand what you're saying, like 'I don't feel happy, or I'm never going to be happy.' They understand there's certain days of the year or times that it's going to bring you back to the night it happened."

Bratton said she tried to go back to work after three weeks but couldn't function and ended up taking three months off on disability. Her husband also took time off with disability. They both tried medications for depression but decided they weren't working for them, she said.

"We just decided to go through it and honor the process and let the sadness be okay. Every tear that we cried was deserved," Bratton said.

Over the three months, Bratton said she and her husband cried a lot, put together pictures of Jamie and memorialized him. McNeeley created a Web site for Jamie, www.jamiesjoy.org, with help from a neighbor.

The Web site includes photographs, things that Jamie said, poetry written about him, letters written by his father to Jamie as he grew up, and a journal of the last five days of Jamie's life. The site also has a grief book list and links to community resources for grief counseling.

Bratton and McNeeley have grown closer in their grief, but she said they grieve differently. She said she is more verbally expressive and he likes to spend time in the ocean, meditating and talking to Jamie.

Jenna Druck Foundation

Bratton and her family sought help at the Jenna Druck Foundation in San Diego, which was established in 1996 to help families after the loss of a child. Even her nephew Demetri is in a grief group for young children there to help him deal with his loss, Bratton said.

Dr. Ken Druck established the foundation after he lost his own daughter in a bus accident in India.

"You don't recover after the loss of a child, you learn to adjust," Druck said. "Everybody has their own timeline, grief has its own timeline."

The old way of thinking would have people believe that grief is an orderly process that occurs in stages, but it doesn't, Druck said.

"It doesn't mean there is not hope and beauty and no enjoyment left or nothing left for us in this life. The hole in our heart never goes away. It's easy for others to say, and even presumptious for others to tell us we're going to heal. .... time doesn't heal all wounds. Our hearts are broken forever," Druck said.

"In my own life, I live more in the joy in having had my daughter for 21 years, the joy and the privilege of that, than I do in the agony of having lost her."

Parents and family members can get information about the Jenna Druck Foundation from the Web site, which includes a grief resource directory for the region. The center offers consultations to individuals or families by center staff, support groups, a daylong workshop on healing after the loss of a child, and a sibling bereavement program among other services.

The calendar section shows different meetings held around the county.

Back to life

Bratton and her husband went back to work part time at first and are now back full time, she said.

"Everything is different than it used to be, but we can function," Bratton said.

She said people are sometimes afraid to talk to them about Jamie.

"People aren't making me cry. People are afraid. They're always afraid to make it worse. No one can make it worse. The worst thing already happened," Bratton said. "It's better to talk about it. It's always there. It's never even a second away from our conscious minds."

Even something that would have been joyous was a strain at first, she said. The birth of her daughter's son so soon after losing Jamie was "almost like reliving Jamie in the beginning," Bratton said.

But with perspective, Bratton said, "He's one of the things that's helped us over time. Obviously he doesn't replace Jamie, but he's brought us some joy back and some love back."

Remembering, honoring

Bratton held a sixth birthday party for Jamie soon after his death at which people who loved Jamie spoke of the gifts he gave them with his life. She recently held a seventh birthday for him as well to honor him.

In their home, they have a table with photographs and mementos of Jamie.

"It's a place for us to still have him be a part of our room, our house. It feels right, it feels good for right now. I don't know if it's forever. We just say prayers to him or to ourselves," Bratton said.

Bratton and her husband established the Jamie's Joy Fund, a memorial fund through the San Diego Foundation. The fund was started using the balance of money donated in Jamie's name last year and it will be used to support things that Jamie would have supported, she said. Last year, they donated $1,200 to sponsor a 5-year-old Tijuana girl's schooling, Bratton said.

"(It allows) his spirit to be part of the people who did know him, and even the people that didn't know him," Bratton said. "He can still make a difference in this world ... If people give to Jamie, he can still give to the world through us."

Contact staff writer Yvette Urrea at (760) 901-4076 or yurrea@nctimes.com.

Services available

A North County Parent's Support Group will be held at 7 p.m. Monday, June 23, in Rancho Bernardo.

To inquire about attending a meeting, call the Jenna Druck Foundation at (619) 294-8000 to register first and get directions.

The foundation can be reached at (619) 294-8000 or through the web at www.jennadruck.org